Tinejdžerka

Život sa tinejdžerima

May 2, 2020 , In: Supermama , With: No Comments
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Poznata psihološkinja Kim Morgan, koja je „apsolvirala“ roditeljske probleme sa tinejdžerima, naročito starijim, savetuje kako da sami sebi olakšamo put kroz roditeljstvo i dečje adolescentske godine.

Sesija prva – „Želim da sve bude kao nekada i da me opet voli“

Ana je došla na prvi razgovor veoma nesrećna i prosto unezverena. Posle nekoliko dubokih udisaja, uspela mi je reći, između kojekakvih gluposti, da joj je potrebna neka obuka kako bi uspostavila dobre odnose sa sinom koji je bio tinejdžer. „Mislim da me mrzi. Nekada smo bili kao prijatelji i sjajno smo se zabavljali, a on je bio stvarno divan dečak. Sada ima 16 godina i pretvorio se u neznanca sa kojim ne znam da komuniciram! Osećam se kao da stalno žalim za detetom koje sam imala“, rekla je i na mene sručila bujicu suza.

Pokušala sam da budem što obazrivija i pitala je zašto misli da je dete mrzi. „Ne može više da podnese razgovore sa mnom, mrzi ga i da me pogleda. Osećam da me ne poštuje i tako me i tretira. Uglavnom je grub i odsečan, ili nemušt, pa odgovara sa – Da, NE , NIŠTA, NE ZNAM. Svaki razgovor sa mnom mu je teret i nipodaštava me, ismejava me pred prijateljima, i veoma je nepristojan. Ne sluša ništa što kažem i ne poštuje granice koje pokušavam da postavim. Većinu vremena provodi sam u svojoj sobi, zalepljen za telefon i računar!“.

Praktikujem da tokom prvog razgovora sa roditeljima samo slušam i pokušavam da shvatim porodičnu situaciju. Ana je razvedena, ima i stariju kćerku koja se udala i sa svojom porodicom živi na drugom kraju zemlje. Prisetila se i tinejdžerskih problema svoje kćerke, ali joj se čini da nisu bili tako žestoki.

Na kraju sastanka, pitala sam Anu šta ona u stvari želi. „Samo želim da me opet voli“, rekla je. Domaći zadatak joj je bio da se „stavi u cipele svog sina“ i da pokuša da zamisli kako je biti on.

Sesija druga – „Videti život iz novog ugla – ugao tinejdžer“

Domaći je bio veoma uspešan i zbog toga što je Ana silno želela da uspe. Shvatila je da situaciju posmatra samo iz svog ugla, a ne pokušava da razume dete koje se bori sa hormonima, obavezama i školom, svim onim što je i njoj bilo mrsko kada je imala 16. Posmatrajući svet „iz njegovih cipela“ postala je svesna ogromnih promena – fizičkih, psihičkih i obrazovnih. „Ovo mu je izuzetno stresan period, i zbog toga što ne viđa oca a sestra je daleko. Zaglavio se u kući sa mnom, a ja sam koncentrisana i na svoje probleme, lakše mi je da ga kažnjavam nego da mu dozvolim nezavisnost – zbog straha! Nije ni čudo što sve frustracije usmerava na mene.“

Bila sam oduševljena Aninim uspehom, retko roditelji uspeju da posmatraju stvari iz perspektive deteta. Podsetila sam je da su dobar odnos sa njom, i podrška, u stvari zdrava baza za njegovu nezavisnost. Morala je da izabere u kojim bitkama da se bori a koje da ignoriše. Istovremeno je morala da nauči kako da kažnjava negativno ponašanje svog sina.

Ana i ja smo vežbale veštinu komunikacije. Htela je da nauči da sluša i postavlja pitanja, umesto da samo zvoca i prigovara. Složila se DA TREBA DA IZABERE PRAVO VREME I MESTO ZA RAZGOVORE I SHVATILA DA SE MORA FOKUSIRATI NA JEDAN PROBLEM, a ne na pet istovremeno. Suština je bila da nauči kako JASNO I BRZO da saopšti ono što želi, poruka da bude delotvorna i to je kraj razgovora.

„Tinejdžerske godine su teške za sve, za dete, roditelje, nastavnike… Nije lako odrasti“.

Sesija treća – „Pogledajte se u ogledalo“

Dobar psiholog trebalo bi da prvu sesiju zapamti kao u ogledalu kako bi nakon nekog vremena suočio klijenta sa „njegovim ja“ na startu. Ponekad ovo može biti izazovna stvar – veoma me iznenadilo Anino ponašanje razmaženog deteta – a njen sin trebalo je da je vidi i doživi kao odraslu osobu koju će da prati i na koju treba da se ugleda. Kada je Ana psihički poklekla i izgubila autoritet, dečak ju je tretirao s više prezira, verovatno zato što nije osetio da je u sigurnim rukama. Pričala sam sa Anom o tome na našoj prvoj sesiji. Istakla sam da je rekla da se osećala kao da je “izgubila sina” i podsetila sam je da je ovo samo faza i da je on ista osoba, čak iako je njegovo ponašanje bilo veoma različito.

Vremenom smo radili na izgradnji njene emocionalne otpornosti, tako da je mogla da pristupi svom sinu mnogo jača, samopouzdanija, sigurnija, otvoreno mu pokazujući ljubav i privrženost. Kada sam je poslednji put videla, rekla mi je da „su radovi još u toku“, ali je bila zadovoljnija, odgovornija, ozbiljnija a samim tim ulivala je sigurnost i više poštovanja!

Vežbe za roditelje tinejdžera

Vežba 1 – Naučite da ih gledate drugim očima

Lako je etiketirati ljude – podeliti ih na grube, neprijatne, nevaspitane, pažljive, iskrene, lažove… Čim ih obeležimo, nesvesno tražimo potvrdu svog stava, pa se i ne trudimo da promenimo mišljenje i možda dodamo nešto pozitivni.

– Papir podelite na dve kolone. U prvu upišite sve reči koje koristite za svog tinejdžera, uključujući i etikete koje ste mu nalepili. Ne ustežite se, setite se svega.

– U drugoj koloni pišite ono što su vam drugi rekli o vašem detetu a šta vas je iznenadilo. Razmislite o njegovim vrlinama i kvalitetnim osobinama i napišite ih. Zamislite šta biste mislili o njemu da je nečije dete, a ima sve te dobre osobine. Pokušajte da „uđete u njegove cipele“ – šta sanja, šta ga brine, šta ga plaši.

– Pogledaj obe kolone. Šta ste naučili o sebi u ovoj vežbi, i šta ste naučili o svom tinejdžeru? Možete li da ga posmatrate drugačije, u drugom svetlu i da mu kažete da ste svesni njegovih kvaliteta?

– Pokušajte „uhvatiti“ svog tinejdžera u pravom trenutku, pokazati mu neku svoju novu osobinu ili odluku u odnosu, pohvaliti ga i sve da bude brzo.

Vežba 2 – Vremenska linija

Tinejdžerske godine mogu biti teške za sve i najlakše je misliti da se samo dete promenilo, što je i normalno. Ključ za pristup rešavanju problema jeste to da svakog momenta budete svesni da je ovo faza koja će proći. Sve veze, pa i ona između dece i roditelja, imaju uspone i padove, a ponekad je korisno i mapirati ove promene, tako da vremenom steknete sliku u celini.

– Uzmite parče papira i nacrtajte horizontalnu liniju kroz sredinu. Počnite na jednom kraju, kada je počela vaša veza (u slučaju deteta, njihovo rođenje).

– Na drugom kraju linije stavite današnji datum.

– Zatim označite značajne trenutke u vašem odnosu. To su događaji koji su uticali na vaš odnos sa detetom, pozitivno ili negativno – kritična druga godina, polazak u vrtić, možda razvod, preseljenje, dobijanje kućnog ljubimca, ili smrt drage osobe… Prisetite se koliko možete i beležite tačke iznad i ispod linije. Vrlo jasno ćete sagledati mapu vašeg emotivnog odnosa…

– Napišite nekoliko reči o svakom od ovih trenutaka, kako ste se tada osećali, kakav je bio vaš odnos sa detetom (tuga, ljutnja, bes, sreća, zadovoljstvo, mirni periodi).

– Kada završite, pogledajte celu sliku. Šta vam govori o odnosu sa detetom? Šta možete iskoristiti iz prošlosti da biste olakšali sadašnju situaciju? Možda bi i vaš tinejdžer pristao da uradi istu vežbu, ali teško 😉

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